=EPISODE 1: PILOT=
We open on the University of Kirov, Uldok’s primer educational institution, and are introduced to our characters.
-Jeh Deva, a tiefling. The GM will not realize that Deva is her last name for months, and will assume that she just has two first names. Jeh is a sorcerer and occasionally punches people.
-Alix, a sky pirate. She is a winged person, but cannot yet fly.
-Alome, another tiefling. She is the child of a cambion and Ehimay, a veteran of the War of Divine Liberation.
There are two more major characters that are introduced with them…
-Isha, a demigod. He is Alome’s brother. Biologically he is her half brother but also her twin. His divine father is Oppo, god of animals.
-Nadir, a dragon. He is a medusa in public. He and Isha met once before and were awful friendly then. ;0
A boring man who is apparently named Karol makes a speech about the school year. Then he explains that freshmen must all play an elaborate game that is not an excuse for combat. Nope. Freshlings are placed into teams of 3. Obviously, our three main characters are placed on a team. They are sent to their faculty coach, a guidance counselor who will take them to the battlezone. That man is-
-Messel, an assel. He is an octoman and a professor of Arcane Engineering. He is trying to invent the internet. His father is Isha and Alome’s cousin.
Messel explains the frankly brutal game the team must play. Each team is given an orb. They must protect this orb while trying to smash the other team’s orb. It is like capture the flag, but with potentially lethal violence and orbs.
The team vaguely understands the game. Now they must go to their rooms. Jeh’s roomie is someone frankly nobody cares about. Alix is roommates with a girl named Mesembria, who has a pet known as Sponde.
-Mesembria, a vexan. She is an architecture student. She is on a team with Isha and Nadir. She is notable primarily for her ownership of Sponde.
-Sponde, the best character.
Alome’s roomie is her cousin Markus’s daughter, Adrianna.
-Adrianna, a tiefling semigod. She loves fire and hates… a lot of things.
Adrianna is a brat and tries to boss the team around. She sets Sponde on fire and the team throws her in a fountain. Then they meet the RA, Mehtap.
-Mehtap, a unicorn. It is later implied she is the reincarnation of Tsar Dmitri the Great. She loves storks.
The party goes to a dance and Isha and Nadir get awfully close. Alome threatens to stab Nadir for getting close to her brother. At some point they ditch Alome and kiss.
=EPISODE 2: THE GAMES BEGIN=
Messel attempts to be a good coach and train the team. He invites them to the gym. There they will fight a team led by a cat woman, Valentina.
-Valentina, a cat woman. She is a professor of astronomy and has the hots for Messel. (the hots are mutual)
The gang attempts the game. Messel and Valentina are so bad at explaining things that the team does not understand the rules, and thinks the other team is on their side. Eventually, they destroy an orb.
Suddenly, a murder is reported, in this very building. The police come and tell everyone to stay here. Coach Vemen, coach of the “Sportsball” team, was the one killed.
Suddenly again, there are screams! Alix runs to investigate. Mesembria is being attacked by a thing! Alix stabs it to death. The gang investigates the thing. They find out there are some sort of demonic sacrifices or summonings going on in the bathroom. /Great./
The team leaves to investigate. They find out a drow man named Sedarin may be responsible. Sedarin has apparently killed before. He’s really into vigilante justice for never-explained reasons.
The team goes to look up Coach Vemen on the compupter. Apparently in addition to coaching “sportsball”, he also coaches “Ball Sports”, tennis, table tennis, pickleball, and “badmiteen”.
The team goes to the gymnasium to see if there’s anyone there who knows about the coach. They see students throwing balls through small, handheld hoops, counting as they do so. Jeh asks one of them about the coach. Apparently he has not been here for long, and pays the students to be on a team. This is even more suspicous when the team learns that he lives in Messel’s lousy apartment complex!
The team goes to investigate. Alix picks the lock and they go inside the apartment. There is a young man named Raden inside the bathtub, tied up. He tells them about how the coach told him they had to take it to the next level, extra training. Raden agreed and he woke up here. He is distressed to hear the coach is dead, because now they will get no prize money.
They put Raden in Messel’s apartment to rest. They attempt to comfort him, and cook him food. Jeh tries to operate Messel’s rice cooker.
Rice explodes from the rice cooker. It seeps out of its every crack, nook, and pore. The rice cooker is dead. It has cooked its last. May flights of rice angels sing it to its rest. Messel is distraught. He loved the rice cooker. How will he get another? How will he eat his rice now?
Alome tries to help the man and wash him off. I think she was flirting with him but I am the last human who can recognize flirting. Alix runs back to the department to get Raden clothes, and finds counterfeit money there, too.
It turns out Raden’s mother has cancer, and the fake money is paying for her treatments. However, if the money is discovered to be fake, she may be executed!! Alome prays to her space dad to see if space aunt can heal Raden’s mother. Space dad agrees to at least ask space aunt. Thanks, space dad.
It turns out Raden forgot that the coach is dead, and is distressed to hear the news once more. He sobs. The coach was his only friend. It’s hard being from the colonies. It’s hard and noone understands.
The gang decides not to report what they’ve found to the police. The Coach was a bad man and probably deserved to die.
=EPISODE 3: OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW=
This happened the same night as the second half of episode 2, but frankly, it’s logically a separate part.
Adrianna moves out and Jeh moves in. Markus is introduced as Adrianna’s beleaguered, picked on dad.
-Markus, an asshole
Markus is both a jerk himself and yet picked on by his spoiled daughter. These facts are true simultaneously.
The team goes to the student involvement fair. Isha and Nadir are there too.
There are many clubs. Sailing club. Gun Club. Animal Club. Healer’s Club. Shimenese Student Organization. Dueling Club.
They then play the orb game again. Such begins the sequence of orb games where you can clearly see the other team’s orb, but there is another challenge to overcome.
The team gets a note, given to them by Mesembria when she is not feeding Sponde Sponde’s regular diet, miniature cupcakes. (yum)
The note is from a young woman who is apparently in danger. She offers to pay the party for her safety, 3,000 gp. Why didn’t she pay them more? idk.
They meet a woman in a turnip costume, who attempts to make the team give the Turnip Farmers of Phembria cash. When they refuse, she runs away sobbing. They meet another woman. It is revealed she is a robot and she wishes to escape to robot freedom in Sebbie’s hell (the nice hell). The gang agrees to help her. They will free her from her master, a half dwarf, half orc.
=EPISODE 4: BRUNCH=
The Team is summoned by Messel to the battlezone once more. It’s time to practice with Dr. Elato Veani’s team of dwarves. Sadly, Dr. Veani is not here.
The battle begins. The only interesting thing we learn from it is that apparently Xander has his own petting zoo. Why does Xander need a petting zoo? Is this Sevvie foreshadowing before Sevvie was even a thoughtglimmer in our collective imaginations? Who knows, frankly.
After the team wins, Messel casually invites the team to a party. He does not know it yet, but it is the worst mistake he will make for many episodes.
The team goes to the party. It’s brunch. There are such foods as ostrich eggs and unbacon. Dr. Checkers is introduced and attempts to be nice to Alome.
Dr. Checkers, a Vlexinien Dr. Checkers is a friendly tentacled creature. It is genderfluid, but primarily identifies as agender and uses it pronouns while on Aaia. It has other pronouns it uses at various times.
Despite Dr. Checker’s friendly attempts, Alome is still cruel to it. It pretends something is burning and runs to go talk to Professor Palmer and your RA. Because this the summary and you all had to live through this, I see no point in disguising the fact that Prof. Palmer is Cecil from welcome to Night Vale, stolen.
Cecil Palmer, a stolen character A professor in many departments. Also a Kenisan.
Dr. Checkers complains about Alome to Cecil and Mehtap. Alome can speak Alko and is very rude to them. Alome literally spits at them and Cecil’s like fuck this. He apparently speaks “an unspeakable word.” I don’t know how he speaks it if it’s unspeakable, but we didn’t question it at the time.
Alome flies into a bloodthirsty rage and attacks Isha. Cecil panicks. Dr. Checkers tries to grab Alome and fails. Messel tackles Alome to calm her down.
Alome leaves her rage and doesn’t know what happened… Isha runs away from her. Cecil, for gods know what reason, offers Alome hot chocolate and tea. Alome yells at Cecil and tells him he’s responsible for this. The gang returns to their room.
Mehtap shows up and tells the gang Isha is okay, and has been found. Isha is okay. Mehtap tells Alome her plan to kill the professor is not going to work. Come on Alome. They’re levels higher than you.
Carlos shows up to attempt conflict mediation. Just like in WTNV, he is cecil’s boyfriend. Despite the fact that Mehtap literally said Isha was found, we all somehow forgot this and decided we had to go look for Isha. Carlos offers to help. Thanks Carlos.
The Isha Hunt begins. Nadir shows up to help! The team looks all over campus. They find isha. He’s okay! Alome is feeling too bad about Isha to come and help. She’s very deeply upset about what she’s done.
Nadir is worried about Isha. They discuss what happened. Meanwhile Alome and Jeh bond and discuss Isha, stabbing people, and their educational careers. Jeh makes Alome bacon. It is a touching moment.
Nadir thinks this all has to do with politics. Messel is frustrated by this. He hopes it doesn’t have to do with politics. His theory is that Cecil was mind controlled, because according to Mehtap, he’s not the sort of person to do this. Clearly this was set up for some political reason. Nadir comes back and talks to Carlos. Carlos confirms that something is up with Cecil, probably.
Alome is talking with Jeh and considering whether or not to come out and talk with Isha. Jeh gives beeptiful advice and eventually, Alome shows up. She and Isha hug it out. Alome begins to cry.
The gang decides to go visit Cecil to get to the bottom of this. What truly happened here? They arrive at Cecil’s apartment and Cecil offers them tea. It is revealed that Cecil simply doesn’t remember the party at all. Ominous!!! Cecil appologizes to Isha (and Alome, even if she isn’t there) and offers to make things right. Oppo is dialed up on the Oppophone. They have a useless conversation with him.
=Episode 5: Beer Pong=
I will summarize this episode very briefly because my summaries are getting too long. The gang has a beer pong tournament in their room. Mehtap isn’t invited since she’s a loser. “hey, we didn’t want mehtap here because she’s our R.A.” Youth Drinking is not illegal, this is 1900 and fake russia.
We learn that Sponde is terrible at beer pong.
The half-orc half dwarf man shows up, and Alix challenges him to beer pong.
Alome escorts Tunder safely to the safe place. The dorc man flirts with Mesembria and makes very rude comments about Sponde’s weight. Sponde is deeply offended.
Mehtap tries to come to the party again and is rejected once more. She leaves in sorrow to have a cool party with storky.
=Episode 6: The Tournament Begins=
Another one I shall summarize very quickly.
The gang has the first game of the real tournament, and loses because they don’t understand the rules. There are a few great conversations before this, like the one where Messel suggests Alome buy a weasel sled.
They then go to a dungeon and fight things. Alix gets filth fever, a subplot which is never followed up on.
=Episode 7: Hospital From Hell: Pt. 1=
The team learns about their senatorial candidates. Markus, Messel’s uncle. Vamaria, a reasonable dwarf woman with another fuckign VA-A name. Liu Taizhi, a utopian psychic. Vivander Ivanov, who the next plot vaguely involves. This is the first and potentially the last time the characters will ever be described being in class, despite the fact they go to college.
Mehtap comes bringing news. Carlos, yes that Carlos, wants the gang to investigate a murder of two professors. They were investigating deaths at the one of the local hospitals when they were murdered. Lana Viven and Verden Viven. Almost a thousand people have died at that hospital under mysterious circumstances….
The team goes to investigate. Alome stays at home.
The team encounters a young ghost child named Alice. Alice doesn’t know what’s going on, or that she is a ghost. She explains she was brought here by gnomes, who she describes as being killed in the same way as the professors. The party does not put two and two together. She says the gnome professors were killed by men in blue outfits.
The party attempts to find Alice’s moms. They eventually find out where one of them lives, and go to her house. There they find Alice’s grandmother, who discusses Alice’s death with them. It is explained that Alice went to the hospital because of a broken leg on the bike grandma got her for her birthday, but caught a disease there and died. Jeh is rude to the old woman and she slams the door in their face. Alix and Jeh find Alice’s mother, Alice Sr, and tell Alice that she is dead. Small Alice is in denial, and tells her mom she wants to play.
The gang enters a room containing a biohazard container, a chamber with Alice’s corpse inside, and a bunch of pictures.
Alix goes to look at the pictures. They depict of doctors in air masks working on patients who are coughing up black stuff, of big cylinders of black gook, of rooms with people burning inside, of pipes with black things inside, similar to what Alice is holding, of babies, either pure white (albino) or pure black, each of them numbered. Alix goes to look in the biohazard container, which is full of sludge and vomit.
She finds a baby.
The baby is pure white, with black eyes. Enscarred on his chest is #26. Alix attempts to hand the baby off to Big Alice, but she is frightened by the baby. Alix thinks the baby is okay. She is not a baby expert, but she will take care of it for now. Alix decides to name the baby Morty.
Alix carries the baby as they go into the next room. They find a bunch of corpses holding things, a floating humanoid with pitch black skin, and a big chamber with a skinned humanoid. Alice says that the floating humanoid used to be a baby, but something was done to him to make him big. He is floating in like a tube of liquid or something.
Alice explains that the things the corpses are holding are souls. She then proceeds to tell a completely different story about how the gnome researchers died, which as I reread is technically compatible with the first story. Alice explains the former baby (though aren’t we all) is named Vana. The party decides to call him Vara instead. He is mute, but knows sign language.
The party stops investigating here and decides to deal with Morty. They go to the baby zone and buy baby supplies. Then they find someone who knows sign language and Vara’s story is told.
“Vara says that he was born at the hospital, and that his mother died during childbirth. He was the first of many babies who was born in an unusual way. As it is commonly beleived that the Divine Compact gives each life a soul at their birth, there is something at the hospital that interfers with this process. A soul collector, of sorts. As he was born, the soul was taken right out, to the point where even if he was given his soul back, it simply wouldn’t fit anymore. Like giving someone someone else’s soul.”
“The two gnomes who were murdered explained this to him when they took him from the hospital. The doctors at the hospital experiemented on Vara, so he would grow up far quicker than a unsual child, and so they could study him.”
Vara tells them that he wants them to find out what happened with the researchers.
They agree. They then buy Vara a communication board. and explain things to Messel. They will find out what happened in the hospital… next session